Who's on First?

I've spent the better part of my life trying to make the world stand still. As it turns out, that's no easy feat. Much of the time I find myself swimming upcurrent until I succumb to exhaustion and am pushed downstream, waving and flailing and praying I'm not thrown upon the rocks. I figure that worrying is like feverishly battling against the flow of water - it's a futile attempt at control and a fight you ultimately can't win. And yet there's always something that drives me to turn against the tide and swim like hell. As if swimming will keep me from being forced into the unknown hurdles. Clearly I'm not a 'go with the flow' kind of gal.

Recently my little family and I have found ourselves bumping along under the turbulent currents of change. G got himself a new job working out of the house (which I continue to imagine looks a lot like channel surfing/bon-bon gorging in unwashed sweat pants until I see evidence to the contrary). This is a vast departure from the 'establishment' position he previously had - and while I'm always supportive of his decisions, we're arguably past that point in our lives where "Damning the Man" is still practical. This is where the river starts to pick up a bit.

As it happens I have also been presented with a new career opportunity. A good one. A damn good one. And one that just fell into my lap as if God were saying "sorry I knocked your kid's tooth out, how 'bout I do ya a solid and we'll call it by gones." This is where any rational person would scream "yes" and flee from their current desk leaving only paper clips and post-its in their wake. Of course I, on the other hand, take this as an opportunity to stay awake at night trying to poke holes into everything ("Hello gift horse? Let's take a look at that mouth!") And just like that I've constructed my own crossroad - one road leading to "Career" and the other, it would seem, to "Successful parenthood". I know, in the deep shadowed corners of myself (the ones with all the cobwebs that I keep from everyone else) that I've kept my career on the backburner. On low simmer. In the years since I graduated law school I've been focused on baby more than JD. Well before C was even on the perceptable horizon. That was what I wanted for myself - to be there for my children. To be present in every step of their childhood. To be the sun in their little universes...because I know that time is fleeting. There is a very finite window of time during which I can be that big of a presence in their lives. Where my kisses heal their scrapes and bruises. Where they come to me for comfort. Where I'm the clown. The storyteller. The singer. The chef. The coach. The purveyor of how it is in the world. Because once that time is gone...it's gone. And my role will inevitably be distributed to various others...friends, teachers, teammates, girlfriends and boyfriends. And I honestly don't know what happens, what role I'll be relegated to, once that time comes. And that starts me swimming.

The other road, the Career road, seems to have it's deadlines and due dates too. Other colleagues and friends of mine that are of the same age and same education have managed to make it a lot further than I have in that span of time. They work late hours. Weekends. They wine and dine and mix and mingle. They've been on that road full steam - where I diverged to be at home more. But the longer I do that the less chance there is of ever navigating the path that I was educated to walk. For the most part, I was okay with that. Until, of course, I wasn't.

My father always used to tell me that "you can't get to second with your foot still on first." We had a lot of sports metaphors in our family. I liked that one best, I think. Because I was always reaching for second without wanting to leave the safety of first. I didn't want to take the risk. I didn't trust myself. I couldn't conjure up the confidence to just go for it. And if I couldn't go for it, I couldn't go anywhere. Sadly, the sentiment was applicable to a number of areas of my life. I would stay in relationships long past their expiration date. I would lament graduating from any school or program because it meant transitioning to the scary unknown of the next. I would stay at a position where my potential was limited because I was just so afraid that if I strove for more I could fail. At everything. And, as of late, I've grown tired of being afraid.

Upon resigning from my position I clung to the delusion that people would be cheering me on (*images and sound bites from Chariots of Fire may be applicable*). For whatever reason I really wasn't prepared for the general question to be "So you're going to be a Stay at Home Mom?" Nope. I'm a Kick Ass At Work Mom. Mommy, Esq. Since my announcement I've been collecting skeptical faces like trading cards. Normally this might completely undermine me...but today I choose otherwise. I don't know how I'm going to bridge these two paths...but I'm not exactly foraging through unseen territory here. I am not the first woman to pursue both professional and maternal ambitions. So today I choose both. Today I stop fighting the current and start steering the waters. Bring on the obstacles - I can't see you, but I know you're out there. Today I choose second base.